


Homestuck Movie 1

by Castor_Raiden, saturnineIlluminatus



Series: Homestuck Film [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-02-05
Updated: 2016-10-19
Packaged: 2017-10-30 16:21:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/333679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Castor_Raiden/pseuds/Castor_Raiden, https://archiveofourown.org/users/saturnineIlluminatus/pseuds/saturnineIlluminatus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A fan-made script for Homestuck Acts one, two, three, four and the Intermission. Yes, I do know I'm crazy for attempting to squish the first four acts (and the intermission) of Homestuck into a two hour movie. Do I care? Nope!</p>
<p>EDIT: Note to self: Never, EVER trust Internet Explorer with editing this monster AGAIN!</p>
<p>EDIT 2: Act 2 has begun! Two (three counting the Intermission) more to go, and this film is finished! Then comes the Troll's session. Also, there is now a co-author: saturnineIlluminatus</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Act 1: The Note Desolation Plays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (If you're reading this saturnine, which I'm starting to kinda doubt, your placement as the co-author title is being moved to a credits page that I'm making!)
> 
> Aside from that minor detail, please, read and enjoy my rendition of...
> 
> Homestuck Act 1: The Note Desolation Plays

Homestuck - The Movie

Act 1 (Revised by Lukeade815)

Script written by ((Ha! You're not getting my name THAT easily!))

 

{Music: Crystalanthemums)}

 

A star field fades in from black.

 

MSPA FAN WORK STUDIOS PRESENTS

 

The zodiac constellations glows in a rainbow of color, with cancer glowing grey.

 

IN ASSOCIATION WITH MSPAINT ADVENTURES

 

The planets of the solar system dash by.

 

A FILM BY ****** ******

 

The Sburb logo, a house separated into squares, appears, glowing green in front of the planet.

 

HOMESTUCK

 

ACT ONE: THE NOTE DESOLATION PLAYS

 

The Zodiac constellations glow in a rainbow of color around the Earth, Cancer glowing grey.

 

BASED ON THE WEBCOMIC PHENOMENON BY ANDREW HUSSIE

 

Earth comes into view, the American hemisphere turning to face the sun as the moon illuminates the Pacific Ocean.

 

Produced by ****

 

Directed by **** and *****

Written By MasterMitosi and edited by Lukeade815

Focus on an island lagoon containing a tall partially sunken temple topped by a frog with some broken pillars surrounding it. Nearby is a dormant volcano. On a tall rocky hill next to it is a tall white tower topped with a sphere-shaped room with a small extension jutting off of it. A spark of green can be seen for an instant, and then the white six-armed spiral symbol of Space manifests with a glowing green outline. Next to the symbol words appear.

 

STARRING **** ******

The symbol and wording dissolve in a flash of green. Zoom across the ocean to Houston, Texas. An apartment near Market Square Park, the clock tower barely visible. Near the top floor, the red ten-spoke gear symbol for Time appears.

 

STARRING **** *******

 

The gear is cut in half by a yellow zig zag, before moving on toward a house in a forest in New York State, it seems designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, and a river runs under it. A domed observatory is situated at one corner. The bright yellow sun symbol of Light appears from a sunbeam as dark clouds begin to cover the sky.

 

STARRING **** *******

 

The sun and name turn pitch-black for an instant as the beams pass and vanish. Move across the country toward Washington, chasing the time-lapsed movement of passing twilight. Approach a two-story house with a balcony and chimney, seemingly nondescript among countless, almost identically-built homes. The wavy blue lines symbol for Breath appear from a low cloud.

 

STARRING Lukeade815

The name and symbol glow white with a blue outline, and disappear.

DAD opens JOHNS door; several movie posters adorn the walls, a brightly-colored and decorated chest sits in the corner, and a powered-off desktop computer rests on a desk. The owner of the room, JOHN EGBERT, sleeps soundly in his bed. John is a boy with unruly black hair and a noticeable overbite. Heavy glasses sit on his nightstand. On the opposite side of the room, a middle-aged man wearing a fedora opens the door and checks on John; this is his DAD.

 

DAD: Son, are you awake?

 

The boy mumbles in his sleep and rolls over.

 

DAD: Ok! Have a splendid day!

DAD slams the door in comedic fashion, but quickly opens the door a few seconds later

DAD: Oh, I almost forgot! Happy birthday, son.

DAD slams the door shut again.

DAD:  _muffled yelling_ I have several cakes you can choose from downstairs!

JOHN:  _chuckles a little bit and mutters to himself_ And good morning to you too.

JOHN tries to get up, but he falls of the bed in the process.

JOHN: Dammit...

 

He goes about his morning routine, we see him get dressed and brush his teeth, his toothbrush looks like the WARHAMMER OF ZILLYHOO but isn't actually because that would be stupid. the NARRATOR gives a voice-over while he is brushing his teeth, telling us about this boy.

 

NARRATOR: Getting bored? Get used to that. To pass the time, I'll tell who this is. This is JOHN EGBERT, I call him Zoosmell Pooplord because he really can't hear me - and today, The Thirteenth of April, is his thirteenth birthday. His interests include REALLY TERRIBLE MOVIES, the paranormal, stage magic, and programming, though he's not very good it. He also enjoys games.

JOHN walks out of the shower

JOHN: Heh, happy birthday to me.

He heads back to the bedside table, evading a hammer and some nails as he moves on. He picks up the poster, unrolling it just a bit.

JOHN: Yes! Little Monsters!

Before he can finish saying "monsters" a trio of cards is knocked from the nightstand and scatters about. One card makes contact with the poster which is sucked into it (by that it means the poster goes into the card). The other two land on the hammer and nails and absorb them as well.

 

JOHN bends down to get the cards

 

JOHN:  _panicky_ shit shit shit shit

 

He picks up the stack and glares at the magenta-edged cards.

 

JOHN:  _sighs_  Stupid Stack Modus...

 

John puts on a metal bracelet with an LED attached that promptly glows magenta. He then places the cards in a a small pouch which is clipped to his belt, of which on the buckle is the Ghostbusters logo.

 

JOHN:  _taps the bracelet_  Combine hammer, nail, and poster cards.

 

N: This Stack Modus was given to John last year. It's design prevents most direct interaction with any of the contents below the top card. The modus is interacted with using the bracelet, which projects the cards holographically. The cards themselves are stored in the clip.

 

In response to John's command, the three named cards appear in front of him via a projected image. The image itself shows three cards floating in front of him, with the leftmost card pulsing lightly. The trio of items fuse into the pulsing card, leaving the second two empty. John presses the bracelet again, which emits a laser pointer that strikes an empty spot on his wall)

 

JOHN: Use on wall.

 

The poster then appears on the wall with nails at each corner, leaving just the hammer in its card. John then looks up as he hears a noise, the mail truck arriving. Tapping the bracelet again to turn off the projection, he picks up a note attached to the screen of his computer and reads it aloud:

JOHN: “Dear Mr. John Egbert: Congratulations! You and three others have been selected to test play a new game known as SBURB! You should be receiving two discs containing the game in the mail very soon. We look forward to hearing back from you soon.

Yours sincerely, The Skaianet Company.

JOHN: Putting the letter in his pocket, John goes out to pick up the mail knowing that his dad is off.

JOHN: It’s a good opportunity to avoid him for a while.

John heads downstairs and sees two presents, one large, one small and slender. Before heading to them, he pauses to nod respectfully at an urn on the mantle. His upper lip quivers a little bit, but he remains to keep his cool

N: John's Grandmother died when John was born, and her body cremated. The death was very strange, involving a bookshelf, a ladder, and an Unabridged copy of of Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text of Magical Frivolity and Practical Japery.

Opening the smaller present, he finds a strap designed to hold something long and thin on his back.

 

JOHN: huh...

 

Putting the strap on, he opens the larger gift, which is a giant armless harlequin doll.

 

JOHN instinctually steps back, he realized he was pranked by his dad. And gets a momentary bitch face

 

N: John's Dad has a fascination with harlequins, something John finds annoying and embarrassing, especially after the man was issued a restraining order from the cast of Cirque du Soleil, how embarrassing! He doesn't want to remember that.

As if on cue, Dad pulls into the driveway.

 

JOHN: Agh!

 

John slips back upstairs quickly as Dad walks through to the kitchen, pausing to sit the doll up on the couch. John sees from his window that the mailbox flippy thing that was previously up is now down.

 

JOHN:  _frowns_  Damn it. Dad picked it up! Now how am I supposed to play? What does the flippy thing do? So many questions, so little time, now John, think, think!

 

JOHN sneaks out of his room and starts to crawl down the stairs.

 

John looks up and promptly face-palms as he peeks on the other side of the bannister, to see the other envelope and a red package. Dashing back upstairs, John runs into his room and grabs a few smoke pellets, a bottle of glue, and a fake arm from the chest, not noticing the present. Going back downstairs, he glues the arm to the harlequin doll, talking to himself while doing so.

 

JOHN: I wonder what Dave sent.

 

He sits on the small bench in front of his dads piano for a few minutes, thinking about what to do with his back to the piano.

JOHN: Well,I could always just run in and right back out...No,he would see me right away. Maybe I could sneak outside and grab it through the window? No,I can't reach it from there...

 

After speaking, he turns and realizes he is sitting in front of the piano.

 

JOHN: Oh!

 

JOHN turns towards the piano, while saying

 

JOHN:  _coy_  A distraction

 

John plays "Showtime [Piano Refrain]" as Dad bakes in the kitchen.

 

About halfway through the song, John begins to hear his Dad humming along ignorant of how the piano has stopped, bringing a smile to Johns face.

 

After playing he lobs the pellets into the kitchen, and almost instantly, the smoke alarm begins beeping. Quickly, John grabs the package and disc. Rushing upstairs, he goes into the bathroom and opens the box with a razor. He then removes the Con Air bunny, practically squeeing, and reads the note.

 

DAVE: (voice over) “So hey,

Since it’s your B-day I had to get you back for the sick memorabilia you got me so I got you this god-awful thing and now I just know you’re standing there flipping your shit over it so you’re welcome.

It’s the actual gross bunny in the movie so that means nick cage actually grubbed it up with his clownish no talent fingers. I would suggest you put it somewhere and display it ironically but I know you’re dead serious about this ridiculous shit so you’ll probably sleep with the damn thing and nibble its ear and stuff.

But the weird thing is that’s what’s cool about you. You’re this naive guy like Pinocchio tumbled ass backwards off the turnip truck and started liking Ghostbusters. Then the fairy godmother kissed your nose or some shit and you turned out to be not made of wood and also pretty cool to talk to. one day your gooberish ways are gonna land you in a jam and I know I’m going to have to get you off the hook but it’s cool I got your back bro.

Then we'll meet and hug bump and get each other’s filthy wife beaters that much filthier so yeah

Peace dawg

TG”

 

The bunny falls to the ground and he quickly picks it up. A noise then comes from his computer, signaling someone pestering him. 

He pops in the disc and opens Pesterchum. A spirogragh appears on the screen before being covered up by the Pesterchum window and ROSE LALONDE's face.

ROSE: I understand you as well as three others, including myself, have recently come into possession of the beta release of "The Game of the Year", as featured in respectable periodicals such as... (scowls) GameBro Magazine.

JOHN: Whoever told you that is a liar, Rose. A liar you should stop hitting on.

ROSE:  _shrugs and smiles faintly_  What can I say. I have a weakness for insufferable pricks such as Mister Strider.

Transition to an albino-looking boy in jeans and a T-shirt emblazoned with a vinyl record lying in his bed asleep.

N: This is DAVE STRIDER, a really cool dude, and one of John's best friends.

His closed eyes suddenly open, revealing vibrant red irises.

 

DAVE: _coughs_

 

Back to JOHN and ROSE:

 

JOHN: Not yet; Dad picked up the game with the mail, and it’s my birthday so he might have some "surprise" waiting for me. Especially since I threw smoke pellets into the kitchen.

ROSE: That seems to be a trustful thought considering that your dad pranks you a lot in sign of paternal love.

JOHN: True… anyway, I'm installing the game now.

ROSE: Finally, let me connect me with you… hold on a second.

 

The computer screen flashes the words "Sburb Server connection established.”

An installation screen appeared on the screen: A Spirograph moving through several different patterns on an almost psychedelic color-changing background. It is promptly obscured by Pesterchum's window popping up with a message.

 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:13 --

 

John smiles and clicks accept. On the screen appears the young man from before, who now is wearing a cool pair of aviator sunglasses. In the background of his room, a window is suspiciously duct-taped.

DAVE:  _waves_  Hey so what sort of insane loot did you rake in today?

JOHN:  _grins_  I got a Little Monsters poster, it's so awesome! (John turns his webcam to look at the poster for a moment)

(John turns the webcam back to himself)

JOHN: I'm going to watch it again today, the apple juice scene was so funny.

DAVE: Oh hell that is such a coincidence! I just found an unopened container of apple juice in my closet. It's like fucking Christmas up in here!

JOHN: Okay, thats fine, but  _smirks then chuckles a little_  I just have one question, and then a word of caution. Have you ever seen a movie called little monsters 

starring Howie Mandel and Fred Savage?

DAVE: But... the seal on the bottle is unbroken! Are you suggesting someone put piss in my apple juice at the factory?!

JOHN:  _playful smile_  Maybe... All I'm saying is don't you think monster Howie Mandel has the power to do something as simple as reseal a bottle?  _grins and chuckles_  Try using your brain numbnuts.

DAVE:  _puzzled expression_  Why DID the fat kid or whoever drank it know what piss tasted like? I mean his reaction was like, nigh instantaneous.

JOHN:  _matter-of-factly_  It was the 15th day in a row Howie Mandel peed in his juice. Duh.

DAVE:  _rolls eyes and nods in acceptance_  OK, I can accept that. Monster B-list celebrity douchebags are cunning and persistent pranksters. Also, Fred Savage has a really punchable face, but who cares about that. (waves hand dismissively) Did you get the beta yet?

JOHN: Yeah, I got it; I'm waiting for it to finish installing so I can play it with Rose! How about you?

DAVE: Man I got two copies already, but I don't care! (shrugs, as the glasses hide a shifty look) I mean, I'm not going to play it or anything, the game sounds boring. Did you SEE how it got slammed in Game Bro????

JOHN:  _eye roll_  Pfft, Game Bro is a joke and we both know it (jabs finger at Dave's face). Anyway, (briefly checks the almost-full progress bar) it's almost done. I better get back to Rose.

DAVE: A'ight. Have fun with that.

The window closes as Dave ends the chat. John returns his attention to the now-full bar and contacts Rose.

JOHN: Ok Rose! I’m connected now!

ROSE: (nods on screen) Good.

 

The cursor, basically a 3-D version of the Sburb Logo, appears in John's room and grabs the chest, emptying it and dumping he small present next to a discarded modus which had been beneath the container.

 

JOHN falls out of his chair, as he see him fall we hear

JOHN: SHIT

 

JOHN:  _crawls back up_ WHOA WHOA WHoa whoa... woah.

JOHN: What’s this  floating around in my room?

ROSE: That would be the cursor I am using to manipulate your environment.

JOHN: Wait, so this game is like... The Sims? (Confused face)

ROSE: _dismissive_ Whatever floats your video game feuled boat.

 

Rose sets the chest down on the roof, then expands a corner of the room and deploys a lathe there. She then places a platform-like object on the balcony as John follows the Cursor.

 

JOHN: What’s that...thing... on my balcony?

 

ROSE: It's called an Alchemiter, according to in-game text. I guess it has something to do with the Alchemy system of the game. The object I put in your room is called a Totem Lathe. It carves the material so it can be used. And this next device is called a Cruxtruder. It provides a material needed to perform the aforementioned alchemy.

 

She then deploys the Cruxtruder so it blocks the front door.

 

JOHN: (runs out to check where it landed and gapes) ROSE!! That was my front door!

ROSE: There was a door there? Sorry, I didn't see it!

JOHN: It's ok, I probably don't want to go out anyway. Dad might be waiting to prank me or something.

ROSE: You have a back door, do you not? You can still exit the house.

JOHN: I think I'll just stay.

ROSE: Good choice.

 

John prepares to exit the room, and then notices the gift on the floor. Upon unwrapping it, he finds a PDA which is a deep blue with his initials on the back in sky blue.

 

JOHN: Huh? What’s this doing here?

 

The PDA has a message from Dad: Happy B-day, son! I am so proud of you.

 

JOHN: He is proud of me… well I actually didn’t expect that.

 

John installs Pesterchum 7.0 on the PDA and scans the modus into his bracelet.

Bracelet: Modus scanned. Identification: Queue modus. (LED changes from magenta to orange)

 

N: The Queue modus is similar to the Stack modus, except that it only permits the direct interaction of the bottom item in the Sylladex, in a First-In-First-Out manner, while Stack is First-In-Last-Out.

 

JOHN: Dad got me a PDA! I’m gonna continue the conversation using that now. Be right back.

ROSE: It´s a proper gift for you. You deserve it.

JOHN: Thanks!

 

John logs off the conversation on his computer, he opens his account there. He shrugs, opens the door and gets pied by Dad, who was standing right next to the door. The pie gets all over John’s face and body, covering his glasses with cream. Dad chuckles lightly.

 

DAD: That's for the smoke pellets.  _satisfied expression_

JOHN:  _sarcastically smiles and nods_  Any time.

John attempts to whack Dad with the hammer. He easily dodges the blow and absconds to the study, glancing at the Cruxtruder for a brief moment in confusion. Shrugging, he enters the study.

JOHN: Agh! He went into the study! (shrug) I needed to take a shower anyway.

John heads to the bathroom, followed by the cursor. John takes his clothes off and gets in the shower. A towel slips into the toilet, but when Rose tries to rescue said towel she rips out the toilet.

JOHN: ROSE!!! (pops his head out of the shower, hair hanging limp) Put my toilet back!

ROSE: I apologize.

JOHN: It's fine

JOHN pokes his head back into the shower 

Rose repairs the floor and sets the toilet back in its place. John gets out of the shower and puts back on his Slimer tee and shorts, casually snatching the hammer from the sink. He heads down to the Cruxtruder and tries to turn the wheel.

 

JOHN: (visibly struggling) Ergh! I can’t move this thing!

ROSE: Hey John, what is that strap on your back for?

JOHN: I dunno. I think it’s for carrying something. Like how a ninja straps a sword to their back.

ROSE: Ah.

 

John heads to the laundry room and Rose helps him strap a sledgehammer to his back. Returning to the Cruxtruder, John removes the hammer from the sheath, struggling with its weight.

 

ROSE: Do you need any help?

JOHN:  _straining do hard you see his veins_  Nope, I got this!

A few seconds pass

JOHN: About that help...

ROSE rolls her eyes

 

The Cursor grabs the hammer's head and helps John swing it onto the wheel, spinning it free. The lid pops off. The Kernelsprite appears along with a bright blue cylinder, and the countdown begins.

 

JOHN: Umm... Rose? What is this countdown for?

 

ROSE: When the countdown ends a giant meteor will hit your house.

JOHN: Oh.

JOHN turns back but quickly realizes what she said

JOHN: Wait WHAT?!?!

ROSE: John, cut the shit.

JOHN: I'll try, just kind of difficult being that a meteor will hit my house.

ROSE: Relax John, this all is to get you out of here

JOHN: Oh, ok!

Cut to high atmosphere, a spirogragh portal manifests briefly and spits out a meteor.

 

The sprite floats over to the Harlequin doll sitting on the couch.

ROSE: Hey John, look at the Kernelsprite.

JOHN: What’s it doing?

The sprite dances around the harlequin doll.

 

JOHN: Why's it floatin' around the doll?

ROSE: According to some really poor walkthroughs, we’re supposed to put something in it.

JOHN: Like what?

ROSE: Paraphrasing those same walkthroughs, you have to put in something that you have a maternal bond with.

The cursor picked up the doll and dropped it on the sprite, which flashes, briefly and reveals a slightly maimed Harlequin head with one arm, all tinted a light blue. Rose deploys a card with holes punched into it that has a blue apple image on it.

JOHN: What’s this for?

ROSE: I think you are supposed to put it into the Lathe, along with that blue cylinder.

JOHN: If you say so!

John grabs both and heads back to his room. He puts the card into the slot and the cylinder in the vice. The lathe carves the cylinder into a totem. John takes the totem before pulling out his PDA to pester Rose. Her face appears on the screen, although the picture is a bit fuzzy.

 

JOHN: alright, I used the lathe to make this blue shapey thing. Now I guess I take it back to the alchemixer again? Hello???????

 

A computer screen displays a video of John holding up the totem from inside Rose’s laptop. Just before a bolt of lightning flashes from the window, the laptop screen says:

“-- tentacleTherapist [TT] is no longer connected! –“

 

_beat_

 

JOHN: Shit.

NARRATOR: A young lady sits in her bedroom with her back to the audience. The laptop’s screen switches to her screensaver due to the violent storm outside the window (that can be seen right behind her). Her house has just lost power, along with her wireless internet connection, so the room is very dark from the power outage (though we can still dimly see Rose). That young man is relying on this young lady to reestablish a connection somehow. This young lady named ROSE 

LALONDE, but I call her FLIGHTY BROAD, because she can't hear me. (The laptop computer she owns still functions on battery power) She has quite a variety of interests. She has a passion for; rather obscure literature, creative writing though can be somewhat secretive about it, a fondness for the brutally strange and fictional, and sometimes dabble in psychoanalysis. ROSE also likes to knit, her room is usually a bit of a mess, and on occasion; if just the right one strikes her fancy, she likes to play video games with her friends.

 

As the Narrator is talking, Rose puts away a closed purple box, tucking it away in a cabinet within the bedroom that has a violin placed on top of it. Then, moves to the bedside and scoots the stack of journals that are next to the foot of the bed and pushes them all underneath. At the same time she’s at the bed, she “captchalogues” her knitting supply bag. Finally, Rose walks over to her violin (probably at the same time as the Narrator is finished speaking) and plays a “haunting refrain” on the instrument.

 

When Rose is done, she walks over to the window where the camera starts outside, panning the backyard from JASPER the cat’s mausoleum building over to the Laboratory next door (mostly hidden by trees, though the top floor of lights are still lit up). It is pouring outside, though the sky flickers with both lightning and red meteors sprinkling from the clouds. There is a panning shot of the forest to ROSE'S house, it cuts to her looking out the window.

 

ROSE: *sighs* It looks like the neighbors still have electricity. . . Maybe I can connect to their internet if I can get close enough!

ROSE: (taps a silver bracelet identical to John's, except hers is a yellow-green colored LED.) Captchalogue violin and knitting bag.

N: Rose's Sylladex is the Tree modus. More elegant than practical, it splits cards into three kinds - A "root" card which is the first card added to the deck, "branch cards which connect immediately to the root or split from another branch, and "leaf" cards, which are branch cards that do not have any cards connecting further. Another feature of this modus is an auto-balancing feature, which re-organizes the modus if it becomes lopsided. The items are catalogued in an alphabetical manner.

 

She turns to leave the room, running her hand across the book sitting on her desk. The title is easily visible, "Grimoire for Summoning the Zoologically Dubious."

 

ROSE: (quickly mutters) Captchalogue laptop and grimoire.

 

Her sylladex promptly auto-balanced itself, with the laptop as the root card. She then leaves, heading outside to the observatory. "House of Lalonde" begins playing as she scales up in some sort of montage. "PSYCHE" then appears, the point of view switching to Dave, sitting at his computer.

 

DAVE: oh shit hey what's u- oh ok see ya-

 

"DOUBLE PSYCHEOUT" appears and the scene switches back to Rose, sitting in the lab, her laptop sitting on top of the grimoire, her items scattered around her. She peeks through the telescope, where a large number of small meteorites streak through a gap in the clouds. John appears onscreen, looking quite freaked out.

 

JOHN: Fuck fuck fuck where is Bruce Willis when you need him the most?

ROSE: Hush. You haven't used the totem yet. It will most likely create the item on the punch card, which may be able to stop the meteor.

JOHN: ROSE!!! You're here! So... is the thing like, umm... an apple?

ROSE: It seems to vary from session to session. In one instance it was describes as an... (Reads it very slowly) "eggy loking thign". (Shakes her head) Poor thing.

JOHN: How is an apple supposed to stop a meteor?!

ROSE: Let's find out!

JOHN: (looks doubtful) Alright...

 

John quickly runs to the alchemiter, the countdown starting from 0:30. The alchemiter creates a tree, which drops an apple and disappears. Suddenly, the house begins to shake. As John looks up to the rapidly approaching meteor, another John dressed in a blue outfit briefly materializes. Eyes widening in surprise, the duplicate vanishes an instant later. John doesn't notice any of this however, and takes a bite just as the timer hits 0:00. Curtains close around the scene.

Narrator: End of Act 1.


	2. Act 2: Raise of the Conductor's Baton

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Wayward Vagabond is introduced, as is our favorite coolkid!

Wind starts to whistle and blow sand across the screen, and the curtains are obscured by a sandstorm. Slowly pull out to see a trail of footsteps. Following them, their source soon appears: a bandage-wrapped humanoid wandering through an expansive desert. As he walks, a timestamp appears.

 

413 years later...

N: Years in the future, but not many, a WAYWARD VAGABOND records a stuttering step in the sun-bleached dust.

The sandstorm soon dies down as Wayward crests a dune and spies a white object partially obscured by the sand. Stretching all the way to the horizon in all directions is just more sand, but Wayward pays little attention to the familiar sight

WV: What's that? Shelter perhaps?

Sliding down to the object, he stretches out a shiny, ebony-colored arm to wipe it clear. It turns out to be a lid, emblazoned with a green, sand-etched Spirograph. As he pulls at it, the Narrator speaks again.

N: Wayward Vagabond, henceforth known as W.V., is a Carapacian. He was exiled from his own home to this desert-covered place.

WV eventually twists the lid open with a grunt of exertion, and descends down a ladder into the revealed hole. The hole's depths quickly obscure the screen in blackness, although the sound of the wind doesn't fade away completely.

ACT 2: RAISE OF THE CONDUCTOR'S BATON

**"Shade"** Starts playing

A sweeping shot from the top of the clouds below John's house to John's house on the pinnacle of what looks like some sort of mountain-like rock. The kernel then divides, leaving behind the Jestersprite. Wayward's voice suddenly echoes.

**Song fades out at 50 second mark and completely ends at 58 second mark**

WV: Boy.

JOHN: Whoa!

John jumps, looking around for someone before laughing a bit awkwardly.

JOHN: Oh, just my imagination...

WV: YOU THERE. BOY!

Johns smile fades into confusion

JOHN: ...Hello?

WV: Listen to me, boy.

JOHN: My name's John!

WV: Boy who is John, obey my commands.

JOHN: And those are...?

WV: I would like the boy to interact with his environment in a constructive manner.

John then begins wandering around his house randomly, a little confused and a bit annoyed at the voice giving orders.

JOHN: You know, you could be a little less specific...

WV: Have the boy assess the current situation.

JOHN: You don't have to put it in third person. You are talking to me.

WV: Very well.

JOHN: ...Okay?

A "==>" arrow then appears, then another, until there are about ten surrounding John He flips out, running back to his room to get away. As soon as WV speaks again they vanish.

WV: John! Quit all this scurrying around! Respond to your friend unit!

JOHN: _flinches under the command's force_  A-alright! 

John pulls out the PDA with a slightly harassed expression.

ROSE: _mildly irritated_  I've been watching you scramble though your house like a lunatic. Why didn't you answer me earlier?

JOHN: Sorry, I was looking for my dad. Have you seen him?

ROSE: _shakes her head_  I'm sure he'll turn up. We have more important things to address.

JOHN: Like where I am?

ROSE: _shrugs_  Even I don't know that. You were transported away right before your neighborhood was desecrated by the meteor. It's been happening quite a bit in the past few days, all over the world. But yours? The biggest they've identified so far.

JOHN: ...okay...? So the point of all this is to save the world.

ROSE: _doubtful expression_  Perhaps. Let's hope so.

JOHN: Then let's get moving! Wait!  _sing-song voice_  You're forgetting something!

ROSE: _smiles faintly_  I was going to send you something, but I was running late with it. That said, happy birthday John.

JOHN: _grins_  Haha, oh wow! Anyway, thanks!

WV: Now do as the purple girl says. To the balcony! And pick up the blue wobbly thing while you're there.

JOHN: Uh... Okay. You're the boss.

WV: You mean Mayor.

JOHN: _rolls eyes_...Right, whatever.

JOHN: _muttering to himself_ What does a Mayor even do?

He picks up the totem when he gets to the balcony.

ROSE: _concerned tone_  You seem to be talking to yourself again. Perhaps the early symptoms of an anxiety disorder, like post-traumatic stress?

JOHN: _sighs_  Now's not really the time for psychoanalysis.

ROSE: _clears throat apologetically_  Right, sorry. Now is the time for prototyping the Kernelsprite again, as well as getting the Server disc. My laptop battery won't last forever.

JOHN: Laptop, right. But why do I need to Prototype it again? 

Rose creates a ledge leading near the car, and talks as she works.

ROSE: Well, it's not a total requirement, but I highly advise that you do. Aaand there goes the last of the build Grist.

JOHN: "Build Grist"?

ROSE: Build Grist is apparently a game mechanic used to modify the client's environment. I used most of it earlier repairing the bathroom.

JOHN: _understanding nod_  Oh. I'm gonna go get the sprite. _he points his bracelet's laser light_  Catchpalogue totem.

John begins to head inside as the totem is snapped up by his deck.

WV: No! Don't do that! Hop off the ledge onto that car!

JOHN: (fearful expression) Doesn't that sound, you know, dangerous?

Three arrows appear as if threatening John.

JOHN: _glares at the sky_  Okay, now you're just being a pest! What turnip truck did you just tumble out of? Who are you???

\---->

YEARS IN THE FUTURE, BUT NOT MANY...

Cut to the hole WV climbed into. WV is soon shown standing and typing at a computer terminal with four screens, the upper right one displaying John.

WV: Bored.

WV wanders away from the terminal and over to a corner.

YEARS IN THE PAST...

JOHN: The cursor has just picked up a Betty Crocker box, ready to prototype the sprite.

JOHN: _sticks out his tongue in disgust_  Ugh, you're gonna use cake mix?

ROSE: I'm running low on battery power, you know.

JOHN: _crosses his arms_  FINE.

Every time she nears the sprite it flies to another part of the room. You hear her sigh as she drops the box, picking up Colonel Sassacre's.

JOHN: _fist pumps_  FUCK YES! Now we're talking!!!

ROSE: Try to distract it.

The sprite moves out of the way right before she drops the book. The book hits the ground, and the house rattles. Nanna's ashes dump onto the sprite while it is caught unaware. John quickly runs into the other room, looking around frantically.

JOHN: It's gone! It was just in here!

ROSE: _shrugs_  ...Oh well. Our next task is getting your server copy from your father's car. You need to connect to my client, so I can presumably join you wherever you are before my house burns to the ground.

JOHN: _shocked_  There's a fire?!

ROSE: There will be soon.

JOHN: Then let's hurry! Can you get this thing out of the doorway?

ROSE: Unfortunately not. We have zero grist, while it costs a few hundred to move.

JOHN: Well... I thought about jumping to the car from the ledge earlier but that's dumb.

ROSE: _thoughtful_  ...I have an idea. Meet me upstairs.

The cursor vanishes as the echoing voice of an old woman's chuckle echoes around. John runs upstairs as Dave pesters him.

DAVE: _smiling faintly_  Hey, bro. Check it out. I'm working on some new rhymes.

JOHN: _exasperated_  Dude, I don't have time for your nerdy raps!

DAVE: _seemingly uncaring_ This is hells of ill. Just listen.

JOHN: Grr, I'm busy! I have to go!

DAVE: Just wait, wait.

As Rose attempts to pick up the car, Dave raps aimlessly.

DAVE: Ben or Bruce? Dudes, c'mon, reach a truce. Put their blowchutes to use and up-suck it. Affleck's saclifice, I mean -crifice, would have to sufflice. Aw, fluck it.

Rose accidentally drops the car.

DAVE: Bro be a stained-glass saint, up on a cross, gettin' hella Christ-plagiarous. Bruce's like "Offa that crucifix, nuff a this fuckin' saviour-fuss!" Ash tray caterin' to layers of Matt MaConnahey's vague remainder-dust... Wait. Was he even in one of those meteor movies?

JOHN: GAH SHUT UP!!!

DAVE: I should write a rap about Morgan Freemen being president. Called "Obama made it so no one gives a shit ab--"

John growls, and clicks a button. Jade's face promptly replaces Dave's.

JADE: John! The craziest thing just happened! There was a huuuuuuge explosion!

JOHN: _holds up pointer finger_  Let me guess, don't tell me. Was it aaaaa... meteor?

JADE: _gasps_ How did you know??

JOHN: It's been a long day. Anyway, are you okay?

JADE: _giggles_  I'm fine! It landed pretty far away. Bec doesn't want me near it... _surprised_  Oh! Did you get my package?

JOHN: _frowns apologetically_  Well... You see, it was in my dad's car, but Rose just dropped it into a bottomless pit and I'm sorry.

JADE: _confused_  That sounds really crazy and kinda... scary, but pretty cool too!

JOHN: A lot of weird stuff's been happening while you were gone. I was supposed to help save Rose from meteors and fire and all that jazz _JADE snickers_ , but she lost battery power and I lost the game disc! So I think I have to get TG to use his copy. But he's being a jackass and won't shut up!

JADE: _laughs_ He's so silly!

JOHN: Uhh...Right. BRB.

Dave's face appears onscreen again.

DAVE: When the film crew zooms where the president's at, I'm like, "If that dude's black I'll eat my hat!" Turns out he is, so we're all, "Damn, director's got gumption." Like we'll all flip our shit, he ain't shining shoes or somethin--

JOHN: _annoyed_ Dave, stop rapping for one fucking second, you horse's ass! This is important!

DAVE: Sup.

JOHN: I lost my server disc, Rose lost battery power, and her house is about to burn down. She said she was going to find a power source, so it's up to you to get her out of there using your copy.

DAVE: _"oh crud" face_  ...My copy? Well, you see--

JOHN: _shocked_  Oh god what happened.

DAVE: _subtly dissapointed in himself_ I lost it. Long story.

JOHN: _slightly frantic_  Didn't you say you had two copies?

DAVE: _nervously wrings hands_  Well yeah, but one's my bro's copy, and he's gonna be pissed if I take it!

JOHN: Pfft, Whatever, Also, you might wanna read Rose's walkthrough.

DAVE: Heh, oh man. The girl tends to lay it on kinda thick, y'know?

John rolls his eyes in obvious annoyance as the scene transitions to Rose. She is making her way down to the house from the observatory. She pauses before the corner of the hallway and retrieves her laptop.

ROSE: Dave! Hey Dave, are you there?

Scene transitions to Dave sitting back in his chair in front of the computer, feet propped up on his desk.

ROSE:  _in background, speaking from Dave's computer_  Dave? You there?

DAVE: _sits up and opens chat window_  Yeah, I'm here Rose. Sup?

ROSE: Ok, just making sure you aren't dead. I have a pretty low battery on my laptop so I can't talk for very long. I'll contact you again when I have more power.

DAVE: _nods_  Alright. Bye.

_"The Real Slim Shady" plays at medium volume_

N: As stated earlier, this is DAVE STRIDER. He's a really cool dude with a fondness for rapping, remixing, bands no-one's heard of, taxidermy, and photography.

We see the bottom of the chair, we pan up to see the back of Daves head, he closes the chat window and stands up out of chair. He looks around his room. Next to him are an unopened bottle of apple juice and a blue box. A fan on full blast stands next to the closet, along with a photography camera sitting on top a variety of photographs, petrified birds and mammals, turntables and a couple posters for fairly unknown bands.

_Song stops right before the next line_

DAVE: Hashmap on. Captchalogue box and apple juice.

N: Dave uses the Hashmap Modus. To store an item, he simply has to name it, which gives it a Hash Value. Hash Values are used to determine which card the item is stored in. To retrieve items, a keyword with the same Hash Value as the item is spoken.

On his screen now is one of the updates of Midnight Crew. The two items disappear, reappearing in the 5 and 7 cards in his sylladex. Almost immediately after his Pesterchum window opens on its own, Rose's face filling the screen as he pulls his headphones off.

DAVE: _looking away from webcam_  Hashmap off. _looking at webcam_  Hey Rose. 'Sup?

ROSE: _smiling faintly_  You know, Strider, in some cultures refusing a lady's invitation to play a game multiple times is a sign of wanton disrespect. Either that, _pause_ or flagrant homosexuality.

DAVE: _stunned for a second but quickly composes himself_  what? Oh no, no! Look, I'm busy ok? I've got a lot of shit on my plate; _smug_  I'm kind of a big deal.

ROSE: I know. Sometimes I wonder how you are ever allowed to pay for meals in restaurants. It must be hard to keep a low profile when you're always overhearing awed voices whisper, _whispers_ "It's that guy who has a blog." 

DAVE: I know right? Seriously, dudes be worshipping me left and right. Can hardly walk down the street without stepping over torsos of the prostrate. 

ROSE: Navigating the urban landscape I'm sure is difficult enough without an obstacle course of deferential flesh and skyward asses. _foe thoughtful expression_  Perhaps adapting the art of parkour to your unique environment would help? 

DAVE: _grins_  yeah! I mean damn, like theres this scruffy little shit at my feet, an orphan or something i don't know, face flush on the pavement. I'm like, dude you listening for a goddamn stamped or somethin'? He braves a look at me, then gives my shoe a little kiss and scurries the fuck off.

ROSE: Heavy is the crown. 

DAVE: _nods enthusiastically and smiles_  Yeah. Not kicking Oliver fucking Twist in the face every day is my gift to the world I guess.

ROSE: Breathtaking magnanimity! 

DAVE: Among other things, I just give and fucking give. 

ROSE: Indeed, nary a jewel tumbles from your wishbox of daily exploits which I imagine does not sparkle.

DAVE: _eyes widen in realization and then facepalms_  Oh for fucks sake... you're just lobbying for me to play that dumb game! 

ROSE: _fake gasp_ Baseless accusation! 

DAVE: Look, I'm telling ya; Egbert is ALL ABOUT that game! He will play it with you and probably be tickled pink about it! _chuckles_

ROSE: I know this very well. I cannot hasten his mail's delivery, however. 

DAVE: Yeah yeah... I'll hassle him some more about it. _smirks confidently_  How about this: If you ever find yourself in the position where your life depends on me playing that piece of shit game, then I'll play. Will that make you happy?

ROSE: _grins knowingly_  More than you know. It perfectly mollifies my grief over the demise of chivalry.

Dave closes Pesterchum and unplugs his headphones as he tosses them onto the desk. Music (Beatdown (Strider Style)) starts playing out loud.

DAVE: Hasmap on. Captchalogue ninja sword.

The juice flies out of his sylladex, coating his turntables and Beta copies. Freaking out he jumps up, running to the bathroom to grab a towel.

DAVE: _stumbling over his words_  C-captchalogue damp towel-- Shit, I mean--

The box is ejected from his sylladex.

DAVE:  _groans_ Change damp towel to towel.

Towel moves to the 8 card.

DAVE: _runs back to his room_  Captchalogue box! (the box vanishes into the Sylladex)

Dave sets the betas on his windowsill as he dries the turntables off. The fan, rotating back and forth, causes the betas to jostle as if they're about to fall. Luckily, he reaches out and clicks the fan off before that can happen.

DAVE: Crisis averted.

A crow swoops into the room, flying around in circles before grabbing the betas and flying back out the window.

DAVE: _loudly_ STOP

The word "STOP" materializes behind him, consonants turning blue and vowels turning red. Numbers appear underneath each letter, and the ninja sword flies out of his sylladex. DAVE pauses, and the whole room is silent except for the chirping of birds outside. He walks over to the window, staring down at the bird corpse on the roof of the next building over, about ten floors down.

DAVE: _slowly covers his mouth with both hands_  ...No one can ever know about this. Hashmap off.

The view changes to Rose, descending into her living room. Rushing water can be heard under the floor. She pauses as she reaches the bottom of the stairs, eyes narrowing in a glare at the large, twenty-foot-tall statue, Zazzerpan the Learned, in the middle of the room.

WV waves at Can Town and goes into the shaft nearby. A door slams shut behind him and a panel lights up on him.

WV: _jumps in fright_  Eep! _notices panel and is filled with wonderous curiosity_ Oooh!I wonder what these marks are.

Above him, a set of bars slides across the entrance.

WV: _nervous_ Oh great. Now I’m stuck in here. Hmm....

WV taps the spirogragh image. Beneath him, the floor rotates 360 degrees left, knocking the startled Carapacian to the ground.

WV: Oof! _gets back up and looks at the image he tapped, which is now red and displays a padlock_  I guess the room’s locked. Wonder what’s in the other one.

He taps the fractal image. The floor rotates 120 degrees. The door opens, allowing WV to enter the new room.

Transition back to Rose, who is heading downstairs into the kitchen, catchpalogueing an umbrella along the way. Rose's MOTHER appears, blocking the way to the back door while mopping.

N: Rose's MOM is a very rich woman. She has a mild interest in wizards, and has an affinity for the more alcoholic substances in life, as well as a love of only the most practical in fancy attire.

ROSE: _sighs_  Drat. Oh well, I'll just use the front.

Rose vaults over the couch, knocking a few wizard statues to the floor in the process.

ROSE: Ugh! Lousy goddamn stupid wizards!

She darts over to the front door where Mom appears, holding a martini and a feather duster, visibly drunk.

ROSE: _annoyed but trying very hard not to show it_  Excuse me, please, Mother. I need to go outside.

MOM: _smug look_  I think _hic_ not, my dear.

ROSE: Very well then.

ROSE starts to walk away, but then it turns out it was a fake-out!

Rose pulls out her needles and tries to swipe at her mother, who blocks every attack with her glass almost effortlessly. Rose quickly realizes she's wasting time.

ROSE: _huffs_  I'm wasting time here, Mother. I need to go help my friend.

Rose leaves her mother to dust Zazzerpann and goes out the back door. She sees a back-up generator near a Mausoleum.

ROSE: _brightens_  The generator!

Upon retrieving her umbrella, her Sylladex falls apart.

ROSE: Tsk... Catchpalogue items on ground.

The items leap back into her Sylladex rearranging themselves neatly as Rose trudges her way across the ground to the generator. She grabs the cord and enters the small mausoleum. In the center is a small coffin, which Rose looks at sadly.

ROSE: Sorry, Jaspers, but you've got to move!

She pushes the coffin off the ledge it's on, revealing a dead cat wearing a suit inside.

N: JASPERS was Rose's pet cat when both were very young. She often practiced her psychology skills on him, _rolling eyes tone of voice_  wierdo.

She sets up her laptop, causing her things to fall out of her Sylladex again, and plugs the cord into it.

She reconnects with John who is standing in his room, panting with bits of oil all over his face. Transition to John's room, which now resembles a war zone. Items are strewn about the room and covered in the black substance. In one hand, John holds his PDA. In the other is his hammer.

ROSE: _highly confused_ John, are you alright? And why is there oil all over your floor?

JOHN: Oh, some weird monster came in and tried to attack me with the bunny Dave gave me. Got the little critter, though! _proud of himself_

Flashback to show John reading a programming book, and pulling out an orange Sylladex card, labeled "Queue". Suddenly, he whips around and sees an Imp holding the bunny. It snarls at him, and John draws the sledgehammer from behind him. Quickly, he slams it down onto the imp, which dissolves into Grist.

The Echeladder appears, showing that John has ascended two ranks, and is now a "Lucky Tot" as the flashback ends.

ROSE: _nods_ Oh. Well, why don't you go outside and see where you are.

JOHN: _nods back_ Okay.

John walks over to the door and opens it slightly. Immediately, a bucket of water lands on his head.

JOHN: _flails a bit_  GAH!

John turns around and throws the bucket off, he looks around the room, and then slowly looks behind him, then is shocked to see Nannasprite chuckling at him.

JOHN: WAH

N: NANNASPRITE was created when John's Nanna's Ashes fell into the sprite earlier.

JOHN: _stunned_  ... Nanna?

NANNASPRITE: _grins at him_  Yes, dearie!

JOHN: _laughs, relieved_  Wow, that was a good one, you scared the daylights outta me!

NANNASPRITE: _laughs_ The bucket-over-door trick. A classic!

JOHN: _mildly confused_  Are... are you really my Nanna?

NANNASPRITE: Of course dear! I've come back to help you through the Medium and beyond! I'm sure you'll become a fine young man like your father!

JOHN: Oh, okay. He said I was really young when you died. Speaking of Dad, where is he? I haven't seen him anywhere!

NANNASPRITE: He was kidnapped by the forces of Darkness.

JOHN: _gasps_  Oh no!

NANNASPRITE: _comfortingly_  No need to worry, he can take care of himself.

JOHN: _sighs in relief_  Good. So what is this "Medium" you're talking about? Are we like, in a computer or something?

NANNASPRITE: _acts confused_  A computer? Why, what in the world is that dear? Some new fangled contraption like the horseless auto-boxcar?

JOHN: _thinking_  Um, well its this machine that-

NANNASPRITE: _chortles and grins_  I know what a computer is, sweetie! I'm just pulling your leg! _laughs again then shakes her head_  No, dear, the software was merely a gateway. It provides the way for this realm to exist, and yet it always has!

JOHN: Okay, I'm confused!

NANNASPRITE: Why don't we take a look at the big picture?

JOHN: Okay....

{Music: Skies of Skaia, full}

As Nannasprite explains, transition up through seven Spirograph gates, each one a light blue. After the seventh gate, a brightly glowing planet appears, clouds shining.

NANNASPRITE: Above the Medium, above the seven Gates, is a place known as Skaia. It lies at the center of the Incipisphere, which is where we are now, and is a dormant crucible of unlimited creative potential. I can't explain exactly what that means, though. But where something this important exists, there will always be forces of light charged with its defense, and forces of darkness who covet its destruction!

JOHN: Cool!

Zoom in on Skaia's center where a 3 by 3 chessboard floats. Upon it a black king and a white king, locked in a stalemate check, circle each-other.

NANNASPRITE: At Skaia's core lies the Battlefield, where the aforementioned forces do battle, and were trapped in an eternal stalemate until you arrived.

JOHN: Me? But what did I do?

NANNASPRITE: Do you recall the sprite, John?

Flashback to the Kernel’s division. One half is white, while the other is black. The light half flies into an orb atop a golden yellow tower, while the dark half does the same to an orb on a violet tower.

NANNASPRITE _voiceover_  When it hatched, data was sent to four spires on Derse, the shadowy kingdom of darkness, and to four spires on Prospit, the golden kingdom of light! These spires sit above a throne, upon which sit the Queen. This "prototyping" changed the Battlefield, adapting itself according to the data.

Return to the Battlefield, which grows into a 16 by 16 board as the kings develop harlequin motifs. More pieces, some occupying multiple squares, appear, and begin to move against each-other.

NANNASPRITE: However, Prospit's forces are always destined to lose.

WV: A quest of futility then.

JOHN: Then what's the point of the battle?

NANNASPRITE: That is for you to find out. At the moment, your goal is to proceed towards Skaia, and pass through The First Gate situated directly above your house.

JOHN: And how do I do that?

NANNASPRITE: You build!

JOHN: So once I reach Skaia, I get to save the world? _dances a little_

NANNASPRITE: Not quite.

JOHN: _stops dancing abruptly_ Wait, what?

NANNASPRITE: Earth is quite doomed. There is absolutely nothing you can do about that.

JOHN: _questioning face_  Then what do I do when I get to Skaia?

NANNASPRITE: _smirks_  I'm sure you'll figure it out. You're a smart boy! Now, I'm going to bake some cookies!

JOHN: Thanks Nanna.

Nannasprite floats out through the wall, leaving blue goop where she went through.

JOHN: Damnit, that stain will be a BITCH to clean off.

WV: Go get the cookies.

JOHN: No. Not gonna happen.

WV: Do it!

JOHN: _whines_  I don't wanna!

The cursor repeatedly bonks John with the box, but he doesn't pay attention.

WV: _insistent_ Stupid boy! GET THE COOKIES!

JOHN: _angry_  NO!

Transition to WV typing in all caps to John.

WV: _typing_  JOHN I _hits Caps lock_  command you to get the cookies boy.

JOHN: _annoyed and crosses arms_  Listen, you got a great spirit, but the answer is still NO!

WV: Fine then.

Near WV, a hatch pops open, revealing cans and a book on etiquette

WV: _excited_  FOOD!

Abandoning the terminal he takes out a mail box flag from his wrappings and cuts open a can, eating the contents. Transition to Dave grabbing a katana from his wall.

DAVE: _thoughtful_  Huh, I wonder...

Dave walks back to the window and looks at the bird's corpse.

DAVE: Nope. It's long gone. Man, what is up with this heat?

Dave exits his room and goes to the living room. He moves a puppet out of his way. He looks around for Bro's Mannequin

DAVE: Wonder where Li'l Cal is?

He notes that Bro left the Xbox on. Behind Dave, a shadowy figure moves and places a certain puppet behind him.

DAVE: That's odd. Bro never just abandons a - _notices puppet behind him and ALMOST flinches_ Oh, there you are Cal!

Dave grabs one of Cal's arms and fistbumps the puppet. He then goes and messes around on Bro's computer. The shadowy figure from earlier moves Cal over to Dave again.

DAVE: _spots Cal and flinches again_  Oh, uh...hey, Cal! God, these puppets are shifty bastards.

Dave pulls out his red iPhone, engraved with his initials in a lighter red and attempts to contact John, but he doesn't respond.

DAVE: Dude? Dude, hello? Are you there? _sighs_  Must be busy.

Rose promptly contacts Dave, her face appearing on the small screen.

ROSE: Did you get your copy of the game yet?

DAVE: My Bro's copy, actually; long story. Don't tell John, but I'm starting to get a bit freaked out about the puppets.

ROSE: _smiling_  You mean your brother's collection?

DAVE: _hold a hand up placatingly_  Don't get me wrong, they're cool, but... he's going a bit (pinches fingers close together) too far with the things! Anyway, what's the dork up to?

ROSE: _mild amusement_  He's preoccupied with the fact that he just had a bucket of water dumped on his head by the ghost of his dead grandmother, who also happens to be dressed like a clown.

DAVE: _laughs, not believing Rose_ Ok, later.

Transition to Rose, who closes Dave's window and opens the Sburb window, where John is freaking out about cookies for some reason. Rose picks up the box and hits him in the head a bit.

ROSE: _mildly alarmed_  John, what are you doing? Snap out of it. We ought to discuss what your grandmother told you, don't you think? Fine. Enjoy your stupor. I'll go about my business elsewhere.

Rose directs the Sburb window viewer to the study. Where a desk, a piano, and a safe reside. Moving the piano into what's left of the backyard, she replaces it with a machine the game calls a Punch Designix.

ROSE: _curious_  I wonder what this does? _contacts John_  John, when you're done with your hysterics, check out the machine I placed in the study. It's called the Punch Designix. I don't know what it does, so you go figure it out. The information will come in handy later. Oh, and your house and yard are infested with Imps. Be careful.

John looks out the window and sees the Imps dancing around on a slime Ghost pogo ride.

JOHN: So I see. _growls_  They're messing everything up!

ROSE: There you are!

JOHN: _wipes the oil off his face_ Yeah, sorry. Lost control there for a moment. I'm good now.

John looks outside to see the Imps riding the pogo ride crazily and playing the piano. All of them are dressed up like Harlequins.

JOHN: Grr... nobody risks painful injury on that thing but me!

Rose picks up the piano and drops it on the imp sitting on the ride. The imp bursts into Grist, which looks like giant blue and purple Gushers..

JOHN: _devastated_  Rose, my piano!

ROSE: _apologetic_  Sorry, these controls are a pain! Besides, one piano isn't the end of the world.

JOHN: _reluctantly accepting_  True.

ROSE: Now you need to go get the Grist. I can't interact with it directly.

JOHN: _hesitant_  In person?

ROSE: Yes, is that a problem?

JOHN: Well, I was hoping to avoid Nanna and her ghost cookies.

ROSE: Hmm... let me try something.

Rose tries to fling the Grist on the pogo up to John, then simply rips up the pogo and places it in the bathtub. John snags the Grist.

ROSE: There. Now why don't you check out the Designix? You can do that while I get to work.

JOHN: _curious_  On what?

Transition to a display on Rose's computer as she creates a staircase.

ROSE: Your Nanna said to build. And that is exactly what I will do. However, this will take a lot of Grist. You're going to be busy.

JOHN: Aw. What are you building?

ROSE: Stairs. They are fairly expensive actually.

JOHN: oh man... I could have warned you about stairs, Rose!

ROSE: I'll try recouping some of the grist from the catwalk I built earlier.

Rose removes most of the catwalk and regains some grist.

JOHN: _mockingly_ s _uave voice_  It keeps happening!

ROSE: Ah, good. It looks like I can get refunds.

JOHN: _normal voice_  I told you Rose! I told you about stairs!

ROSE: _chuckles_  Okay! Consider me fully briefed on the matters of stairs. _giggles a bit more, then calms down_ Now if you don't mind, it's hard enough to concentrate on this without immersing ourselves in the non sequitur of Dave's comic.

JOHN:  _eye roll_  He is so lame! Puppets are SO not cool!

Rose builds a platform above Dad's room, using up just about all of the Build Grist.

ROSE: _to herself_  Well, it's not enough for an observatory, but at least I have a base for later construction.

Return to John, who is prowling his house for stray imps.

JOHN: _looking through bathroom cabinet_  Nope, none in here. But the shaving cream might come in handy later! Catchpalogue two cans.

The Sylladex snaps up a pair, flinging the telescope out the open window.

JOHN: Whoops. Oh well, no biggie! Might as well bring the pogo too.

He catchpalogues the pogo ride as well, expelling the towel, which drops back down onto the rack. Rose checks up on Nannasprite, who has baked a ton of cookies. An imp attempts to steal one, and is zapped by Nannasprite.

NANNASPRITE: Not for you!

John exits the bathroom and finds imps all over the main room.

JOHN: _gapes_  Aw, man! Cruxite and goo everywhere!

John uncatchpalogues the ghost pogo, pulls out his original hammer, and begins bouncing along, crushing imps.

JOHN: This is incredibly dangerous! _bounces down the stairs_  Let's see how they like the old doublebarrel latherblaster _pogo lands on some Cruxite_  WHOA!

John flies off the pogo and is knocked out for a moment. He sits up clutching his head.

JOHN: Oww... that hurt.

WV: Mister John, respectfully ask that you please stand up.

John jumps to his feet, grabs the pogo, and holds a can of shaving cream to its head.

JOHN: _threatening_ Don't move or the pogo gets it!

The Imps freeze in terror.

WV: Now, flee from the boorish rabble post-haste.

John vaults over an imp into the study which has a pair of imps inside. Rose uses the fridge to crush that hatless imp and nudges it into the doorway.

WV: Congratulations.

JOHN: I feel really good right now!

ROSE: I blocked the entrance to the study to give you some space to work with the Designix. There's some imps behind you. Should I take care of it? John, hello? You trapped your PDA, didn't you. Why did you have to pick up all that stupid shaving cream? So pointless.

WV: Might I trouble you for a can opener?

Rose grabs the safe in the corner, drags it above the area of the roof that the Imp is under, and drops it, crushing the Imp and breaking the door open.

JOHN: _puzzled_  A can opener? Might be one in the kitchen, but the fridge is in the way.

Transition to show WV eating the pages of a book on etiquette. Then Transition to Rose typing a walkthrough. She saves her progress, and begins building a foundation for a loft above John's room by copy-pasting the chimney four times, using 40 out of 80 units of Grist. She then constructs another platform on top of the chimneys, costing 25 Grist. Next, she creates a ladder by copying the balcony railing, rotating it 90 degrees, and extending it, expending the remaining 15.

ROSE: _to herself_  Ladders seem to be a bit cheaper than stairs.

WV: It appears we have reached an empasse.

JOHN: _shrugs_ Apparently.

WV: The opener dilemma remains unsettled, most unfortunately, but it has been a pleasure nonetheless.

JOHN: _still puzzled_  Umm, thanks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, Castor_Raiden here! please forgive the mess, we're doing our best to clean it up! In the meantime, read, review, and enjoy!
> 
>  
> 
> ~~Oh, and my co-author's laptop went on the fritz, which is why the update stops at Dave going to get a towel.~~
> 
>  
> 
> Ahaha... SI here. I've been... well, busy. Sorry about the extreme lack of updates. 100% my fault.
> 
>  
> 
> ~~CR: GAH! WV! Stop being a pain!~~
> 
>  
> 
> Hi, me again. You'll note some changes. Lukeade is (supposedly) working on the second half of Act 2, so please be patient as we wrap that up!


	3. Insane Corkscrew Haymakers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let Act 3 begin!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Thanks so much for the kudos, follows, and all the support this project has gotten! There's been a few changes around here, and some things are very important! More info at the bottom note, check it!

The image turns like a page, revealing an old piece of paper with writing on it.

Nanna: (Voice Over)You are no doubt reading this as a handsome and strapping young man! Why, the mangrit needed to lift the book is itself a sign of your maturity, not even to speak of the wisdom needed to grasp the nuance of Sassacre's time-tested mischief. I am so proud of you, grandson! How I wish I could have delivered this heirloom to you in the flesh. But I am afraid it wasn't in the cards! For you see, John, like you, this book must yet take a journey! Its journey will end on the Final Day of my life, and even then will continue some. Though I suppose that will be up to your Father. Perhaps he will discuss it with you one day, when he and you are ready;But it is your journey I am writing about to wish you luck! There will come a day when you will be thrust into another world. And once you arrive, that is only the beginning! You will soon delve even deeper into a realm of Warring Royalty in a Timeless Expanse. A realm of Agents and Exiles andConsorts and Kernelsprites. Of toiling Underlings and slumbering Denizens. A realm where four will gather, the Heir of Breath and Seer of Light, theKnight of Time and Witch of Space, and together they will Ascend. John, if only you knew how important you were! I regret my passing came so early in your life. And yet I feel in my heart we have already met. But what I know for sure is that we will meet again!b Until then, John, I do hope your Father keeps you well fed!

The page turns again, revealing another set of curtains.

Pan down from trevealing a greenhouse. Through the green-tinted window, a dormant volcano can be seen. Lying asleep on the floor is JADE HARLEY, who wakes up at the sound of a nearby pumpkin vanishing.

N: This is JADE HARLEY, but I call her Farmstink Buttlass because she can't hear me. She is slightly narcoleptic, meaning at random times she will fall asleep and not quite recall doing so. She has quite a large number of interests, almost too many to list in fact! In order to keep track, she ties colored strings on her fingers. But at the moment, the only thing on her mind is a passion for horticulture.

N: Jade, wake up.

JADE: _snoooooooorrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeee_

N: Wake up!

NARRATOR goes to pick up pumpkin, but it dissapears

N: Why was I looking over there again? Probably nothing. Oh look! A note!

JADE: _Voice Over_ Farmstink??? That is incredibly silly and a little bit rude!!!!!!! My name is ==Ɛ>

N: _apologetic_ Oh... I guess... I'm... sorry.

N: _nervous_  JADE, wake up.

N: JADE, play a silly flute refrain.

JADE plays flute

N: _sarcastically_ Beautiful

JADE finished

JADE: _not impressed with her skills_ Captchalogue flute.

JADE captchalogues the flute

We see plenty of her modus's

CAPTCHALOGUE VOICE: _calm_ Which modus would you like?

JADE: Memory please!

CAPTCHALOGUE VOICE: Memory selected.

We see the flute being put in the Memory Modus

VRISKA (we don't know who it is): Jade, Squeal like a piglet and fertilize some plants.

JADE: This is a very silly idea, I have more important things to do

**20 SECONDS LATER**

JADE: _yelling_   _and exciting_ This is so much fun!

JADE is squealing like a piglet and fertilizing plants for about 10 seconds

JADE Stops and captchalogues the fertilizer

CAPTCHALOGUE VOICE:  _calm_ Which modus would you like?

JADE: Memory please!

CAPTCHALOGUE VOICE: Memory selected.

JADE looks at her hand

JADE: _excited_ Oh yeah! Today's Johns birthday!

JADE: Captchulogue Pumpkin

CAPTCHALOGUE VOICE:  _calm_ Which modus would you like?

JADE: Memory

CAPTCHALOGUE VOICE: Memory selected.

JADE walks out of room

JADE: Captchalogue Crab Apple

CAPTCHALOGUE VOICE: Would you like your Modus of choice to be Memory untill said otherwise?

JADE: Yes, thank you for being considerate

CAPTCHALOGUE VOICE: You're Welcome

JADE: Captchalogue Key Lime

JADE: Captchalogue Mandarin Orange

JADE: Captchalogue Eureka Lemon

JADE walks to the transportalizer and transportalizes to her room

JADE walks to her wall, of which has guns, she takes the shotgun and cocks it

N: Jade is a skilled markswoman,  though her cross-hairs would never settle on an innocent creature, anthromorphically persuaded or otherwise. Her worktable is littered with equipment to facilitate her tinkering. For her, experimentation is not a particularly exact science, and you lean heavily on sharp intuition for consistently and eerily optimal results. Nevertheless, you have still not been able to get that broad, flat gizmo there to work, which is a design you have borrowed from one of your GRANDPA'S more mysterious inventions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, first and foremost; Chapters/Acts 1 and 2 Scripts have been updated! These were done by lukeade815.deviantart.com who also lends his voice to John Egbert for our project!
> 
> Next up, Cycoth-Amptur helped set up a group on dA for us! Find it at homestuck-the-movie.deviantart.com
> 
> Lukeade also set up a Behind The Voice Actors page for anyone who wants to voice characters at http://www.behindthevoiceactors.com/members/Lukeade815/casting-call/Homestuck-Film-Casting/
> 
> We also have a small tumblr, where you'll find updates and such for the project! http://homestuck-the-movie.tumblr.com/
> 
> that's all the news I can think of for now! And again, we at the Homestuck Film Team, thank you.


End file.
